Inside a Mind of Wonder

Dangling From A Ledge

Dangling…

Im here just dangling from this ledge. My feet 80 feet above the ground and Im dangling. They say that sucide victims realize 3/4 of the way down that every problem they had in their lives are fixable. So as I sit here on this ledge, debating the fall I remember your face. How I couldnt imagine not getting a chance to wake up to that everyday. How it would effect your life. How that this fall is just not the answer. And as much as it seems like it could fix things, or stop all the hurt it wouldnt and it cant, and then I wouldnt be there to fix your hurt and comfort you.

I look at the traffic infront of me….I breathe as deep as I can. I think about everything that just happened. In 48 hours our lives fell apart. In 48 I had everything anyone could want. I was ready to run like a track star. I was running and I tripped and fell down and I lost.I dropped the baton. My knees were bloody and I didnt know how to get up. I just wanted to disappear.  So I thought….But when dangling from a ledge so far above ground you realize a lot. Everything got much clearer. There was a since of peace here, in this cold night. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. People would drive by wonder what I was doing, if I was gonna jump, I could hear them go by and tap their breaks. I could hear all the traffic zooming by from the interstate. And then all I could hear was your voice asking me not to give up….

I didnt have to jump to realize that everything was fixable. I never had to go 3/4 of the way down to know that I love you, To know you love me too, and to know that we can make this work. That everything will be okay. No one can stop love, and no one can stop ours. Its too strong. I keep wondering why it felt like the world was trying to stop us, and now I know because we have what everyone else dreams of. True Love. And instead of being happy for us they fight us for it. They want it so bad but they know they wont get it. And misery loves company. But baby they wont get ours because we jumped my konstantine, we jumped and now we are flying. Flying. Above the clouds. We are touching the stars and the world is so small from up here. We are gonna make it.

Wisdom: In every dark cloud there is a sliver linin’.

Sand Castles, Sea Shells, God, and Crabs.

This little blog of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, this little blog of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Moments ago I was reading Laura’s blog on religion. I must say I enjoyed reading it. Ironically not even seconds later Jehovah witnesses came a knocking at the door, was I wrong to not answer? I don’t like pulling the gay card by any means. I don’t like to use it as a crutch, BUT in my opinion it is necessary for me on this subject. See I was raise around bible thumping, church going, homo hating people. And wow must I say majority of these bible lovers DO NOT pay too much attention to what they read. Religion for me is more than confusion.Simply because I feel they are 1. hypocrites and 2. are completely mislead. I have been introduced to just about every common religion involving God, Jehovah, Jesus…etc. Before I start this let me state to a extent I do believe there is a God, there is a higher power, because my brain was taught that as a child. I may not agree with every aspect of this book that people hold so dearly to their hearts because of what it teaches. I know that homosexuality is not a choice. People don’t wake up and say ” oh hey lets have over half the world hate us and look down on us because we are different” no no my dears that is not how it works. I don’t know how many times I have said this it would be easier to just be straight!! That being said I’m not sure I would want to if I had the chance because being that close minded and naive would be depressing if you asked me. Not that anyone did but still. How is it that we have this “GOD” Jehovah as they call him, someone soooo great, someone that has only love in his heart, someone who does not judge, pure perfection. Yet in the same statement how can you say that he/she is against homosexuality. I don’t understand how someone can create a universe and then put people in it that will not be let into your so called ”heaven” or “paradise earth” why would he/she put such a burden on ”us” as gays but not the rest of the world. So my biggest issue with the bible is that it claims being a homosexual will cause me and others not to be aloud into this paradise so many of you dream about. I love my life, I love the people in it, and if “GOD” was as loving as this “book” claims then he/she wouldn’t judge me, because he/she was the one who created me, correct? And why would you create something and not be completely proud of it. It is a part of you. Love is Love, and there should be no limit on it.

Wisdom: Who has the right to define love? Someone without it.

Upside Down In A Station Wagon.

I’m starting to feel like I’m always at this crossroad. Go left or go right. That is life isn’t it? A crossroads. We are put in these dilemmas, these ungodly situations to where we have to make a choice. No sense of direction, no hint, no road sign telling us which way will be the best way. Just two roads. We have to pick. Id rather just have a map. Unfortunately the toll both ran out.

It seems so simple, you know? I mean if you have to ask the question don’t you already know the answer. So why is it that the answer I get isn’t the one I want. Why do I walk down a road that scares me? Is it because I want what could be at the end of this road more than I have ever wanted anything else? Am I scared because I might not get it? Do I expect too much? Am I settling for something less than happy? For as long as I can remember I have told myself that if you are not happy in the current situation then create a new one. I have always had this amazing advice. Why is it so hard to follow that advice? Am I happy? Am I not?

Define happiness. Can I even do that anymore? I feel like my head is so cluttered that I need a secretary to sort through my files of confusion. You see I sit here and I type this blog and I say all this mess. Truth be told, I am happy when Im with you. When I can feel how much you love me. The only time Im not is when I cant feel that love. Does this make me greedy? I dont want to be naive by any means,I dont want to think you are telling me all these things and meaning them, when your not.You have taken something I kept from the world. I assume I am trying to figure out if I should take it back. What I failed to realize is no matter how scared I am that you have it, how much I want it back, or how much attention I want from you it isnt gonna make a difference because why be scared so I can worry more about what will happen, why stress about taking it back…I cant its yours now. I will never have all the attention I want from you but I should be glad I get any. I will never know any of the answers I want to really know.

Where is this road gonna take me? Should I turn around? Should I keep trying? Will this feeling of unsureness go away? Is this worth the while? I don’t want to make any more mistakes. So being sure is so important. Yet sure is for people who dont love enough. And with you I know I will never be sure.

I guess I realized that if I stay on this road I have a shot. If I go the other way I have none. So I assume over complicating my brain isn’t a option. And loving you isnt either. Honestly all I really want is to smile a little more and not think so much. Dance as often as possible and scream out I love you every second. I do believe I knew the answer all along. I was just scared to face the fact that fear is the heart of love, so I am constantly fearful.

Wisdom: If you cannot find the truth where you are, where do you expect to find it?